Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA): A Parent’s Guide to Support

Parenting a child with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) can feel confusing and exhausting at times. Often children with PDA have an extreme need to resist and avoid everyday demands. This avoidance isn’t about being “naughty” or “defiant.” It’s often driven by anxiety and a need for control. For parents, reframing how you see these behaviours can make a huge difference

What is PDA?

Children with PDA may:

• Resist even ordinary requests (getting dressed, brushing teeth, homework).

• Use social strategies to avoid (distracting, joking, excuses, withdrawing).

• Have intense mood swings and quickly shift from calm to distressed.

• Show a strong need for control in play and daily life.

• Experience overwhelming anxiety when they feel trapped by demands.

At its core, PDA is about the child’s struggle to cope with perceived loss of autonomy.

How to Support Your Child

1. Use Indirect Approaches

Instead of giving direct instructions (“Put your shoes on”), try gentle invitations or collaborative phrasing:

• “I wonder if your shoes are ready for an adventure.”

• “Shall we see who can get their shoes on first?”

Framing tasks as playful or shared choices can reduce pressure.

2. Offer Choices and Flexibility

Provide small but meaningful choices throughout the day. For example:

• “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your story?”

• “Would you like to wear the red jumper or the blue one?”

This helps your child feel more in control.

3. Collaborate, Don’t Confront

Power struggles rarely work with PDA. Instead, try working alongside your child:

• Turn chores into joint activities.

• Use humour and creativity to lighten tense moments.

• Accept that sometimes stepping back and revisiting later is the best option.

4. Prioritize Relationship Over Routines

Your bond with your child is more important than rigid adherence to rules. When possible, choose connection over conflict. Over time, trust and security make cooperation more likely.

5. Plan for Anxiety

Transitions, new environments, or too many expectations can heighten anxiety.

• Use visual schedules or gentle warnings for upcoming changes.

• Break tasks into smaller steps.

• Allow recovery time after stressful events.

6. Look After Yourself Too

Parenting a child with PDA is demanding. It’s vital to:

• Seek support from other parents, support groups, or therapists.

• Build in breaks and respite where possible.

• Remember that progress is often non-linear.

Children with PDA aren’t being deliberately difficult. They’re communicating deep anxiety and a need for autonomy. With understanding, flexibility, and creativity, parents can help their children thrive while also preserving family harmony.

Every child with PDA is unique, and what works one day may not work the next. But by staying curious, patient, and compassionate, both with your child and yourself, you’ll find ways to navigate the challenges together.